4/170 North Road, Langwarrin

The House That Doesn’t Want to Be Sold - (Reluctantly Available: Australia’s Most Emotionally Attached 3 bed Townhouse!)

Listen, I don’t even want to be on the market. I have a perfectly good owner. I’ve given her the best years of her life (in my opinion), but she’s ignoring my protests so far.

So here I am – reluctantly parading my assets in public.

But don’t get too excited… I’m sure she’ll come to her senses any minute!

Tucked Away off the Main Street:
So private. So quiet. Only six homes in the development (ignore my siblings – I’m obviously the prettiest).

Designer Garden:
Yes, stunning. But she says she’s taking the pots unless you cough up. Petty? Absolutely.

Master Bedroom, Ensuite & Walk-in Robe:
It’s basically a personal spa. The robe is fitted, the ensuite oversized, and the vibe is pure “I deserve this.”
You’ll start referring to it as “the wing.” I do.

Guest Loo:
Yes, your visitors will “ooo” at my powder room. I’ll just cry quietly under the sink.
(And above the sink – because really, I 'am' the sink.)

Main Lounge:
Built-in shelves and cupboards – ready for your board games, books, and DVD box sets from 2003.
(You know you can stream Lord of the Rings now, right? She doesn’t. Ha.)

Brains & Beauty:
All-electric kitchen with induction cooktop and pyrolitic oven. Essentially, I’m smarter than your last three appliances combined – and far better-looking.

Laundry & Butler’s Pantry Combo:
Your washer and dryer will feel part of the action, rubbing shoulders with your stand mixer, Nespresso machine, and air fryer. It’s my ‘social hub’.

‘Harry Potter’s Room’ (a.k.a. My Room of Requirement):
Just off the pantry – my secret cellar, storage space, or makeshift bedroom for your unwanted magical nephew.

Large Deck with Automated Awning:
Press button – shade appears – you’re a god.
It’s north-facing, sun-drenched, and perfect for chillaxing with a book in the cushioned hanging egg-chair.
You’ll host countless brunches, BBQs, evening soirees, and totally forget that I’m watching you through the massive sliding doors.

Enjoy your alfresco lifestyle – but remember, it’s Victoria. You’ll be back inside soon enough, where the space, and ambiance make entertaining just as effortless (and equally as impressive).

Living Area #2:
Upstairs retreat. Realistically? It’ll become a gaming den, a movie lounge, or a shrine to your fleeting obsessions. I don’t judge. I just absorb drama.

Two Oversized Bedrooms:
Both with fitted wardrobes. Technically for guests or children – but emotionally, let’s call them backup wardrobes.

Family Bathroom + Separate Toilet:
Because sometimes you just need space from the people you live with.
The bath is deep, the vanity smug, and the toilet – blessedly – has its own room.

Space for Two Cars:
Plus shelving for the golf clubs, yoga mat, and your aspirational hobbies.

Tech & Clever Bits:
Security system and cameras (she once answered the door from Paris – show-off).
Remotes for everything – awning, rangehood, split systems, garage door, and even a stairwell blind.
USB charging points in all the right places, plus NBN – because I’m a modern marvel.

The Numbers You Should Probably Ignore:
• 2000L rainwater tank (hidden, but useful)
• 1 clothesline (shameless show-off, always airing laundry)
• 2 minutes to local shops – good luck getting your steps in with your latte that close
• 3 air conditioners + gas central heating – I’m climate-ready, even if my heart isn’t
• 4 schools & 5 early learning centres within 1.5 km – goodbye school traffic
• 5 minutes to two shopping centres & the freeway
• Bus stop 150m away – because sometimes even your car needs a break.

In Conclusion

She says she’s “downsizing to a lifestyle village and ready for a new chapter.” Apparently, I’m “too much house for one person.” Guilty. I offer space, comfort, and a flair for the dramatic – it’s what I do. But if she’d rather trade me for Bingo and themed trivia nights, so be it. I say she’s abandoning me for the heated lap pool. But fine. Let her go. I’ll find my people — someone who appreciates that I’m gorgeous, practical, and absurdly convenient. Which is exactly why you shouldn’t buy me… and why she should RECONSIDER selling me.
Anyway — if you’re reckless enough to ignore my warnings — book a viewing. I’ll try not to take your breath away. But no promises. Come see me, if you dare — but don’t blame me if I make it impossible to leave. (pssst…. She’s even willing to sell all the FURNITURE!)